Hard Days

Today being a mom is hard.  I'm crying as I type.  Ben has been tough, crying (actually screaming at the top of his lungs) for most of the day.  Luke and I just battled for an hour to put him (Luke) down for a nap.  He was so overtired, causing him to be completely hysterical.  He cried hysterically for an hour, hardly able to talk or breathe.  He wanted to get out of bed, watch movies, play with his cars, anything but sleep, which is the one thing he needed the most.  I tried everything - reading, watching one little show on the computer, listening to calming music, praying for him out loud, telling him a story, getting up to leave.  He screamed and fought at every turn.  I was calm for an hour, and then I lost it.  I screamed at him to go to sleep.  He started to get up and I pinned him down, yelling STOP, JUST STOP.  Then, realizing I had lost it, I got up and left the room and slammed the door as hard as I could to let out my anger.  Ben awoke from the slam, screaming his head off.  Luke continued to scream his head off.   A few seconds later, Luke opened the door, still screaming, and I went back in.  I was somewhat calm after slamming the door.  I said I was sorry for yelling.  I asked if I had scared him and he nodded yes, that when I slammed the door it scared him.  I held him and he stopped crying and tried to catch his breath for about 5 minutes - after an hour of hysterical crying.  He finally slept in my arms, and I held him with tears sliding down my face.  And now I feel sad and disappointed and tired.  This is real parenthood.  I'm far from perfect.  I feel like I fail daily.  "I'm letting them watch too much TV, too many movies.  I'm not consistent with praying or reading the Bible with them.  I should be working on his letters and numbers more.  I don't make him clean up and I don't follow through when I say I'm going to start enforcing clean up.  I have creative and good ideas and never follow through.  We don't eat at consistent times.  I let him eat too much junk.  Etc. Etc."

I am not writing this out of self-pity.  I know motherhood is hard for all mothers, not just me.  I know all mothers have these moments and days.  I know I'm not really "failing" at motherhood.  It is still hard...and it feels like I will be stuck in this moment of 'hardness' forever.

And Ben has woken up...
Maybe he won't scream the entire rest of the day....
But if he does, I will just carry on and love him the same...
And hope tomorrow is not so hard.

Comments

  1. MegJanuary 19, 2012 at 4:47 PM

    Amen sister! Your comments about all the stuff that you do or don't is exactly how I feel. Add "bribing him with cookies to take his medicine.". We fail every day but the thing to remember is that we aren't perfect and never will be and the most important thing of all is that you love them and that's what matters most. Thanks for sharing your story - we've all had those days!

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