February thoughts
I haven't had time to write much lately. Life here is routine - which is welcomed. Pretty white snow is falling right now and there is silence as my little ones nap. It makes me grateful for so many reasons and for so many things.
I often feel like I've grown to be an impatient mom - or maybe a mom, who in my kids' head, is a "you never know what mood you're going to get from mom" kind of mom. It bothers me. When it was just Luke, I felt such patience as I maneuvered through the newness of mothering. I loved each disaster or unknown because it was a precious gift that came along with motherhood. I took it all in stride. Then came Ben, and I still felt a peacefulness within me, even despite Ben's non-stop crying for the first 6 months of his life. We had moved to Spicer, we were close to family, I was at home with my 2 boys - what was there to be impatient about? But Meredith came next, and although she herself is so easy, the scales tipped and now my calm and patient nature seems to leave me quickly and unexpectedly sometimes. I talked with Paul about it last night, and maybe stumbled upon some sort of an explanation. Or maybe it's not even close. But my thought is this: My brain is maxed out with the noise, the requests, the many constant needs, the chatter, the crying, the fighting, the whining. It's just like my brain says "I've reached my limit. There are too many voices. Too much noise. Too many needs and requests." And so while the requests or noise or needs don't come solely from one child, I may snap at one child in particular, because their latest request or need happened to be the tipping point. It's chaos living with a 5, 3, and 1 year old. It's amazing chaos. I love it - almost every single minute of it. And so I am trying to respond with patience (... and awareness of my impatience at times...) and consistency. Because no single child of mine - Luke or Ben or Meredith - deserves to feel like a burden to me. Individually, they do not have a unreasonable amount of needs. As a whole, lumping all three together, the cumulative effect, it seems like the needs and requests never end. I am hoping to be mindful going forward of this discovery, so that I can be a better mom.
I went to the dentist a few weeks ago and I asked the dental hygenist if I could stay a little longer...and if maybe I could get my teeth cleaned and polished weekly. Ha! I guess that shines some light on the amount of free time I have. I felt like I was at a spa, being massaged and pampered. But in reality the dental tools were making their awful noises, chipping and polishing away. But I could close my eyes and rest and not be needed for a few brief moments. It was beautiful. I love being a mom more than anything in the world. I love my kids' ages. I love the busy, chaotic time of my life. I wouldn't trade it and want them to be young and home with me forever, but once in a while a dentist appointment is fun!
I love how a particular spot or place can make memories come rushing back to life. Our family went for a January run a few weeks ago....down to the public access on Green Lake. The dock there reminds me of the many times I took little 2 year old Luke and newborn Ben there when we had just moved to Spicer. Now Luke is almost 6 (in a little over a month) and Ben will be 4 in May. I can't imagine what sitting on that dock will mean to me when I sit there years from now - when my kids are grown. I will hear their little voices, see them throwing rocks off the end of the dock. I will see their expressions as they watch the boats come in and out of the water and I will giggle at the thought of Ben dropping his shorts and peeing off the end of dock into the water. I will crawl back into their little imaginations as they pretend they are climbing over the largest rocks at the shore of the biggest ocean and I will laugh at the memory of their repulsed faces and their fascination at the stinky dead fish that washed to shore. Below are some pictures of our run. We actually ran out onto the lake, quite a ways out, to see a few fish houses. It was a beautiful day...pretty balmy for January 24th! .
Speaking of dentist appointments, Ben had his first one ever in January. He was totally cool about it...no problem. Here he is:
And I should add a sweet picture of Meredith. She is so sweet. She is starting to say Thank You (sounds like "ain oooh") all the time and she does it without me having to prompt her by saying "What do you say, Meredith?" Tonight I tried to get Meredith to fall asleep with the boys in their bed. Lukey gave her the pacifier that she had dropped and immediately she said to him, "ain oooh." It is so darn cute! Both boys are so sweet to her. In bed tonight, Benny kept making her laugh. Lukey rubbed her head and gave her lots of kisses. They begged me to let her stay. When she kept moving around, Luke whispered, "She's just trying to get comfortable, Mom" hoping I wasn't going to take her away from him. He sang her the ABC's. Finally at 9:30pm when she was still restless I had to put her in her crib. Ben was already asleep, but Luke wasn't and it was keeping him up - mostly from the excitement of having her there by him. Here she is: The Bear. That's what we call her. Mer Bear or just The Bear.
Lastly, Luke and I spent a Saturday afternoon together two weekends ago, doing some errands, and we stopped by the Polar Plunge near Zorbaz on Green Lake. Here is his cute face! I love my one-on-one time with him!
I often feel like I've grown to be an impatient mom - or maybe a mom, who in my kids' head, is a "you never know what mood you're going to get from mom" kind of mom. It bothers me. When it was just Luke, I felt such patience as I maneuvered through the newness of mothering. I loved each disaster or unknown because it was a precious gift that came along with motherhood. I took it all in stride. Then came Ben, and I still felt a peacefulness within me, even despite Ben's non-stop crying for the first 6 months of his life. We had moved to Spicer, we were close to family, I was at home with my 2 boys - what was there to be impatient about? But Meredith came next, and although she herself is so easy, the scales tipped and now my calm and patient nature seems to leave me quickly and unexpectedly sometimes. I talked with Paul about it last night, and maybe stumbled upon some sort of an explanation. Or maybe it's not even close. But my thought is this: My brain is maxed out with the noise, the requests, the many constant needs, the chatter, the crying, the fighting, the whining. It's just like my brain says "I've reached my limit. There are too many voices. Too much noise. Too many needs and requests." And so while the requests or noise or needs don't come solely from one child, I may snap at one child in particular, because their latest request or need happened to be the tipping point. It's chaos living with a 5, 3, and 1 year old. It's amazing chaos. I love it - almost every single minute of it. And so I am trying to respond with patience (... and awareness of my impatience at times...) and consistency. Because no single child of mine - Luke or Ben or Meredith - deserves to feel like a burden to me. Individually, they do not have a unreasonable amount of needs. As a whole, lumping all three together, the cumulative effect, it seems like the needs and requests never end. I am hoping to be mindful going forward of this discovery, so that I can be a better mom.
I went to the dentist a few weeks ago and I asked the dental hygenist if I could stay a little longer...and if maybe I could get my teeth cleaned and polished weekly. Ha! I guess that shines some light on the amount of free time I have. I felt like I was at a spa, being massaged and pampered. But in reality the dental tools were making their awful noises, chipping and polishing away. But I could close my eyes and rest and not be needed for a few brief moments. It was beautiful. I love being a mom more than anything in the world. I love my kids' ages. I love the busy, chaotic time of my life. I wouldn't trade it and want them to be young and home with me forever, but once in a while a dentist appointment is fun!
I love how a particular spot or place can make memories come rushing back to life. Our family went for a January run a few weeks ago....down to the public access on Green Lake. The dock there reminds me of the many times I took little 2 year old Luke and newborn Ben there when we had just moved to Spicer. Now Luke is almost 6 (in a little over a month) and Ben will be 4 in May. I can't imagine what sitting on that dock will mean to me when I sit there years from now - when my kids are grown. I will hear their little voices, see them throwing rocks off the end of the dock. I will see their expressions as they watch the boats come in and out of the water and I will giggle at the thought of Ben dropping his shorts and peeing off the end of dock into the water. I will crawl back into their little imaginations as they pretend they are climbing over the largest rocks at the shore of the biggest ocean and I will laugh at the memory of their repulsed faces and their fascination at the stinky dead fish that washed to shore. Below are some pictures of our run. We actually ran out onto the lake, quite a ways out, to see a few fish houses. It was a beautiful day...pretty balmy for January 24th! .
Speaking of dentist appointments, Ben had his first one ever in January. He was totally cool about it...no problem. Here he is:
And I should add a sweet picture of Meredith. She is so sweet. She is starting to say Thank You (sounds like "ain oooh") all the time and she does it without me having to prompt her by saying "What do you say, Meredith?" Tonight I tried to get Meredith to fall asleep with the boys in their bed. Lukey gave her the pacifier that she had dropped and immediately she said to him, "ain oooh." It is so darn cute! Both boys are so sweet to her. In bed tonight, Benny kept making her laugh. Lukey rubbed her head and gave her lots of kisses. They begged me to let her stay. When she kept moving around, Luke whispered, "She's just trying to get comfortable, Mom" hoping I wasn't going to take her away from him. He sang her the ABC's. Finally at 9:30pm when she was still restless I had to put her in her crib. Ben was already asleep, but Luke wasn't and it was keeping him up - mostly from the excitement of having her there by him. Here she is: The Bear. That's what we call her. Mer Bear or just The Bear.
Benny was invited to his first birthday party at the end of January for his friend Jensen Davis. It was a pirate themed party and he walked a plank, shot a cannon, and came home with a bucket full of loot. Luke and Meri were pretty excited about the loot, too, and they all still have pirate fever. Luke is Captain Hook, Ben is One-eyed Willie (The Goonies), and Meredith is just pirate Mer.
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