A quiet moment after the storm
Paul rarely travels for work...at least overnights. This week he happens to be in Miami Beach, FL. I wish I was with him! He left at 5am Monday morning and comes back late Thursday night (it is currently Wednesday afternoon). That is a long week for this mom - but mostly just because Ben and Meredith happen to be sick. It is the first time Ben has been sick all year. It is Meredith's first ear infection. It is Paul's first overnight work trip in 2 years. Bad timing. Between sleepless nights, coughing, fevers, doctor appointments, antibiotics, missing naps b/c of doctor appointments, preschool drop off for Luke - it has been exhausting to say the least. It gives me new appreciation for single parents. Having a partner in it all, even to have support in simple ways (i.e., "Paul, feel Meredith's forehead, does she feel warm? I don't think the thermometer is working."), is invaluable. Not to mention having support for the bigger things - like getting up in the middle of the night to hold a sick baby, or bathing the two boys and getting them to bed, or making dinner, or occupying kids so mom can go to the bathroom or eat her first meal of the day at 7pm. Thankfully, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, knowing Paul will be home in a few short days.
Right now, at 1pm on Wednesday, Meredith is sleeping in the car. Ben is sleeping in my bed. Luke is at preschool. I have a moment of quiet. Calm after a major storm. Ben - overtired and sick Ben - started to cry about an hour ago while we were at my friend, Gina's, and he couldn't stop. The intensity continued to rise. His sippy cup didn't have 2 handles on it and he wanted 2 handles on it. Gina gives him a brand new Ninja Turtle cup. It's still not good enough. Crying intensifies. Gina remembers that she put those 2-handled sippy cups in a bag to give away. She finds them in the basement. Ben is relieved for 2 seconds only. Now the chair he is sitting in isn't right. The hot dog doesn't taste good. He continues to scream. He wants to watch a movie. We turn on Tom and Jerry. He screams that there are commercials. The mustard colored ottoman in Gina's living room isn't in the right place. He screams for me to move it. I do. It's not right. He screams more. He's now having a hard time breathing. I tell him we are going to leave. He screams at me and hides in the corner of the couch. I pick him up and take him to the car. He screams and pushes, telling me to put him down. I lock him in the car seat. I go back into the house for Meredith and actually get concerned he might pass out because he's hyperventilating. I get back out to the car with Meredith. He screams for his blankie, his big blankie. We don't have his big blankie, so I give him a little piece of his blankie that I carry in my diaper bag. He throws it down. He wants his big blankie. He screams for his shoes on. I put them on. He rips them off. He wants to put them on himself. He can't get them on. He screams more. He wants to sit in Luke's booster seat. I move him to the booster. I start to drive away from Gina's. He screams to stop. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! He wants to go back and watch a movie at Gina's. He wants to put his shoes on without the car moving. I keep driving. He screams for daddy, daddy, daddy. I tell Ben we will call him. NO, he wants to see him. I say, Let's Facetime him. NO he wants to see him now. Daddy, daddy, daddy. He can hardly breathe. He wants my phone to talk to daddy. I reach back to hand him my phone and he doesn't want it. He wants me to hold it. But I'm not holding it right. He continues to scream and try to breathe. We are not even half-way home. I leave Paul a message to call us...even though I know he is currently in meetings. I can't calm Ben down. Nothing I say will calm him down. He wants to watch a video that daddy sent us of his hotel room. I cue up the video and hand him the phone. He screams to turn off the video. I take back the phone. I turn it off. He screams to turn it back on. I turn it back on and hand it to him. He doesn't want to hold it. I put it down in the console. He can't see it now. He screams more. I turn the video off. He screams to turn it back on. I don't listen. We are in Spicer now, a few miles from home. He unbuckles his seat belt and starts walking around the van as I'm driving down the highway. I yell to get back in his seat. He screams but obeys. Then he gets out again. I start to pray out loud. We are on the lake road, close to home. Ben, sitting down again, is almost falling out of his seat. Finally we are home. He can hardly breathe. He's been crying for a half hour or 45 minutes by now. He wants to watch a movie and he sits on our living room couch. He knows it's nap time. I tell him I'm getting out the spanking stick. He comes. I carry him in our bedroom and put a diaper on him as he screams and fights me. He screams for daddy and pushes me away. My heart breaks and I start to cry. I can't hold the tears anymore. I can't do anything to help him and he's hurting and sick and tired. So I cry. The phone rings. It's Paul. He has 30 seconds. I put him on speaker phone and at the sound of his voice Ben calms down. He whimpers as his daddy tells him he misses him and that everything will be okay. He whimpers as Paul says, "Have I told you the story about Jimmy, Roy, and Michael and the bear when they are camping? The bear eats all the fish so there are no fish for Jimmy, Roy, and Michael to eat. That's a good story. I will tell you the rest of the story when I get home. Okay, bud?" Benny nods and whimpers "ok." We hang up. Ben crawls into daddy's place on the right side of the bed, with daddy's pillows and the smell of daddy. We both cry and I tell him I'm sorry I can't make him feel better, but I love him. I check on Meredith. She is still sleeping in the car. Ben wants me to come back to lay by him. I do. I rub his back. In seconds, he is sleeping. And now there is quiet. And I feel sad. Sad for little Benjer. Sad that I can't fix it. But hopeful for after the nap, when I know Benny will be fine. And hopeful for tomorrow when Paul will be home. And hopeful for Luke to get home from school to pick up our dominoes game. And hopeful for Meredith's ear infection healing with every moment that passes. And thankful. Thankful for Joe, who came over yesterday morning and this morning so I could run Luke to school without having to wake sick Meredith or pack up all the kids. Thankful for Gina, who offered to pick up Luke from preschool and bring him home this afternoon so that Ben could nap. Thankful for Paul, who is his son Benny's hero. Thankful for Paul's stories about Jimmy Butler, Roy Hobbs, and Michael (who has no last name yet). Thankful for Paul's calm voice and his love for us all. Thankful for Gina telling me to stop at O'Neil's and get a shot. Thankful for Chloe inviting me to a girls dinner tonight, even though she knew I couldn't get a sitter and leave sick kids. Thankful for Eryn, who brought us some Gatorade Monday night when I had dehydrated kids with fevers and couldn't leave the house to get anything without hauling everyone with me. Thankful for Jesus, who loves me even though I've had to dust off my Bible the past 2 days when our pastor challenged us to read the Bible just 7 minutes each day. So thankful that He wants me to know Him more, despite my thinking of him so little.
And thankful that He is here now, in this quiet. In my sad, and in my hopefulness, and in my thankfulness.
Last night, I told Paul we were hangin' tough, when he asked how I was doing. And we are. I'm so thankful for my partner in life. I can't wait for him to be home! Until then we will keep hangin' tough.
And as I sign off there is still quiet. And a text from Chloe asking if I made it home okay. :)
Right now, at 1pm on Wednesday, Meredith is sleeping in the car. Ben is sleeping in my bed. Luke is at preschool. I have a moment of quiet. Calm after a major storm. Ben - overtired and sick Ben - started to cry about an hour ago while we were at my friend, Gina's, and he couldn't stop. The intensity continued to rise. His sippy cup didn't have 2 handles on it and he wanted 2 handles on it. Gina gives him a brand new Ninja Turtle cup. It's still not good enough. Crying intensifies. Gina remembers that she put those 2-handled sippy cups in a bag to give away. She finds them in the basement. Ben is relieved for 2 seconds only. Now the chair he is sitting in isn't right. The hot dog doesn't taste good. He continues to scream. He wants to watch a movie. We turn on Tom and Jerry. He screams that there are commercials. The mustard colored ottoman in Gina's living room isn't in the right place. He screams for me to move it. I do. It's not right. He screams more. He's now having a hard time breathing. I tell him we are going to leave. He screams at me and hides in the corner of the couch. I pick him up and take him to the car. He screams and pushes, telling me to put him down. I lock him in the car seat. I go back into the house for Meredith and actually get concerned he might pass out because he's hyperventilating. I get back out to the car with Meredith. He screams for his blankie, his big blankie. We don't have his big blankie, so I give him a little piece of his blankie that I carry in my diaper bag. He throws it down. He wants his big blankie. He screams for his shoes on. I put them on. He rips them off. He wants to put them on himself. He can't get them on. He screams more. He wants to sit in Luke's booster seat. I move him to the booster. I start to drive away from Gina's. He screams to stop. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP! He wants to go back and watch a movie at Gina's. He wants to put his shoes on without the car moving. I keep driving. He screams for daddy, daddy, daddy. I tell Ben we will call him. NO, he wants to see him. I say, Let's Facetime him. NO he wants to see him now. Daddy, daddy, daddy. He can hardly breathe. He wants my phone to talk to daddy. I reach back to hand him my phone and he doesn't want it. He wants me to hold it. But I'm not holding it right. He continues to scream and try to breathe. We are not even half-way home. I leave Paul a message to call us...even though I know he is currently in meetings. I can't calm Ben down. Nothing I say will calm him down. He wants to watch a video that daddy sent us of his hotel room. I cue up the video and hand him the phone. He screams to turn off the video. I take back the phone. I turn it off. He screams to turn it back on. I turn it back on and hand it to him. He doesn't want to hold it. I put it down in the console. He can't see it now. He screams more. I turn the video off. He screams to turn it back on. I don't listen. We are in Spicer now, a few miles from home. He unbuckles his seat belt and starts walking around the van as I'm driving down the highway. I yell to get back in his seat. He screams but obeys. Then he gets out again. I start to pray out loud. We are on the lake road, close to home. Ben, sitting down again, is almost falling out of his seat. Finally we are home. He can hardly breathe. He's been crying for a half hour or 45 minutes by now. He wants to watch a movie and he sits on our living room couch. He knows it's nap time. I tell him I'm getting out the spanking stick. He comes. I carry him in our bedroom and put a diaper on him as he screams and fights me. He screams for daddy and pushes me away. My heart breaks and I start to cry. I can't hold the tears anymore. I can't do anything to help him and he's hurting and sick and tired. So I cry. The phone rings. It's Paul. He has 30 seconds. I put him on speaker phone and at the sound of his voice Ben calms down. He whimpers as his daddy tells him he misses him and that everything will be okay. He whimpers as Paul says, "Have I told you the story about Jimmy, Roy, and Michael and the bear when they are camping? The bear eats all the fish so there are no fish for Jimmy, Roy, and Michael to eat. That's a good story. I will tell you the rest of the story when I get home. Okay, bud?" Benny nods and whimpers "ok." We hang up. Ben crawls into daddy's place on the right side of the bed, with daddy's pillows and the smell of daddy. We both cry and I tell him I'm sorry I can't make him feel better, but I love him. I check on Meredith. She is still sleeping in the car. Ben wants me to come back to lay by him. I do. I rub his back. In seconds, he is sleeping. And now there is quiet. And I feel sad. Sad for little Benjer. Sad that I can't fix it. But hopeful for after the nap, when I know Benny will be fine. And hopeful for tomorrow when Paul will be home. And hopeful for Luke to get home from school to pick up our dominoes game. And hopeful for Meredith's ear infection healing with every moment that passes. And thankful. Thankful for Joe, who came over yesterday morning and this morning so I could run Luke to school without having to wake sick Meredith or pack up all the kids. Thankful for Gina, who offered to pick up Luke from preschool and bring him home this afternoon so that Ben could nap. Thankful for Paul, who is his son Benny's hero. Thankful for Paul's stories about Jimmy Butler, Roy Hobbs, and Michael (who has no last name yet). Thankful for Paul's calm voice and his love for us all. Thankful for Gina telling me to stop at O'Neil's and get a shot. Thankful for Chloe inviting me to a girls dinner tonight, even though she knew I couldn't get a sitter and leave sick kids. Thankful for Eryn, who brought us some Gatorade Monday night when I had dehydrated kids with fevers and couldn't leave the house to get anything without hauling everyone with me. Thankful for Jesus, who loves me even though I've had to dust off my Bible the past 2 days when our pastor challenged us to read the Bible just 7 minutes each day. So thankful that He wants me to know Him more, despite my thinking of him so little.
And thankful that He is here now, in this quiet. In my sad, and in my hopefulness, and in my thankfulness.
Last night, I told Paul we were hangin' tough, when he asked how I was doing. And we are. I'm so thankful for my partner in life. I can't wait for him to be home! Until then we will keep hangin' tough.
And as I sign off there is still quiet. And a text from Chloe asking if I made it home okay. :)
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